Lists, Rants And Tell Alls

Listening:  Bright Eyes, Lua

Eating:  A donut.  A very delicious donut.

Looking: A bacon donut and a cup of damn good coffee.  Kitsilano, beautiful Kitsilano.

    

(My.God.)

In July, my boyfriend, and one of my best friends, decided to call it quits.  We, in the modern Breanna and Beau fashion, broke up, and then took a trip to Whistler where we proceeded to drink wine, gorge on salmon, steak, and all things breakfast food.  We watched bad T.V. and ordered pizza while wearing Christmas onsies.  He beat me at monopoly one last time, and I read bad sic-fi books out loud in the worst possible British accent known to man at the top of my lungs.

(Strong ass female role model.  Also, always bring a cat on an intergalactic flight.)

We didn't tell anyone for a while, we didn't want to make it a big deal.  Our relationship was never Facebook defined and had a very unique style, like ourselves.  We decided to end it due to distance and different wants and needs, and because, well, we're young.  We need to find more out about who we are before we are able to find out who we could be together.

Afterwards, I threw an "I am not Getting Engaged" party.  The food was set to the theme of my dream men, and proceeds went to the Heart and Stroke foundation.  We ended up raising about $300 for people with actual broken hearts, it was a blast and a half.

(Some of the dream boys.)

There was a lot of confusion and slight disbelief towards how both scenarios were handled, and that's fine, eccentricities follow me around like clouds of butterflies (<- Poetry).  But for a such a forward thinking society, I still wonder why a break up trip and an "I am not Getting Engaged" party got so many heads shaking.

Why not celebrate what great memories were had rather than focusing on one moment at the end?

I am not saying that I wasn't sad, I was devastated.  But why not make the best of an upsetting situation?  

(We've all been here.)

What's the point of all this?  Where is this going? Why?  Well, first of all, because I am sick of "the game."  The "steps" that society has deemed we must make in order to get from point A to B during the process of a relationship.  I spoke to a friend a few weeks ago who told me that the girl he is seeing has set steps that he has to get through before she can say that they are in a relationship.  What are they?  I am not too sure, but we can only assume that they came from the pages of Cosmo.  And not the Space Time Odessy either.  And I am crazy for believing that a VHS store is a good investment?  No.  I refuse.

And now I am upset.  Because being single again has shown me just how many strange fellows there are out there.  There are the ones who think just because you're nice to them, you want to be in their bed.  There are the ones who won't stop talking about children.  There are the ones who are incredibly kind, but just not that exciting.  There are the creatives.  There are the pot smokers.  There are the drinkers.  

There are the cheaters.

(Actually brilliant).

    You think this is going to be an expose, a tell all of all the bad boyfriends, husbands, sons.  Of all the people who have made choices, but not the brave ones.  The brave choice would be honesty, I've learned that.  I've learned that more than anything, you can't pretend to kid yourself, otherwise, you get pretty messed up, and, as an added bonus, you mess up the lives of those around you.  Not just with relationships, with everything.

   Not many of us make the brave choice, fewer still will stay honest with themselves the majority of their lives.  In this age of electronic communication, it is insanely easy to play heartbreaker, or, as I like to call it, asshole.

   Put your big boy pants on, mama is getting real.

(Yeah.)

    I did some sad math today, just out of curiosity more than anything.  I know of 3 people in my life having extramarital affairs, and those are only the ones I know about.  I don't have a huge friend circle, and these people are by no means bad people, they are just doing what they want.  Here's the problem, when you're married, and you do what you want, you're not the only one effected, there is a whole other human who's probably wearing an item of jewelry identifying them as your property, who is affected. 

   Sure, they probably know, hell, they might even be doing the same thing, but then why?  Why not fuck up situations and move on?  Comfort.  Fear.  Guilt.  That's all it comes down to.

   Now, I can't fully comment on why marriages fall apart, I myself have never been married, and there are only 3 men in my life that I have ever thought I could even come remotely close to marrying, one just got married, another has been married for a little while, and the third one just bought a tuxedo so I am sure he's next, but besides them, I don't see myself being the marrying kind, mostly because I would want a black dress, but there are other reasons.

(Gooorrrrggggeeeeouuuuusssss!)

   My parents have been happily married for 35 years.  They are one of few sets of parents who I know are still together.  Sure, they've had spats, no one is perfect, but in the end, they are each others lobsters.  I have had an amazing example of what a healthy marriage looks like, and that's just it, my expectations are high.  Higher than tinder, higher than the guy at the bar with good hair and a Bugatti, higher than the guy with the boring but steady job who would take care of you.  I believe in love, big love.  I believe in getting on planes, showing up in the rain, and professing your gad damn love.  I am not lowering my standards.  I refuse.  My mother, Nancy Drew, and Meg Ryan taught me: you live one life, make it count.

(One of the best).

    Some people think this is a ridiculous standard to live to.  I am here to tell you it's not.  If there is something you desire in a partner, find it.  Don't try to change people into your perfect fit.  Be confident in with yourself and what you're looking for.  It's fucking worth it. 

Don't settle.

   A lot of girls settle.  And a lot of girls settle for assholes.

   I did some more sad math today.  I counted up all the men who have propositioned me over the past few years.  Then I counted up all of the ones who had a partner at the time of said proposition.  Then with some simple long division, jk I used a calculator, I figured out the asshole percentage.   Out of 25 guys who have propositioned me over the past 4 years, either asked me out, straight up kissed me, or implied that they would like things to go further, 19 have had a partner.  This is no exaggeration.  That, my fellow HBO lovers, is 76%.

 Here are some of their "lines" when confronted:

0.     "My girlfriend will be back soon, but I just wanted you to know you're beautiful."

Thanks so much, I really needed you to validate that I am good enough physically, because obviously I don't have enough self confidence to believe it myself.  

1.    "It's complicated.  And I don't know which reasons why anymore.". Super!  I'll just be here while you figure your shit out.  I am going to order a pizza, you guys want some? 

2.    "I just like sex.  I love her so much, I just love sex more." Well, sex did win a Nobel prize last year, so I can see what you see in her, I think you guys will have a happy life, and when she starts to let you down, they have drugs for that.

4.   "What girlfriend?"  Oh!  Sorry!  My bad!  That must be your sister you're French kissing in that photo by your bed?  Cool.  You're so modern!

5.   "It's different with you, you're like a drug." My blood runs blue with AMC meth so that makes perfect sense.  Next time get a paper cut, do you want a hit?                               

Some things that have been offered to me by men with girlfriends:

-flight to spain. DENIED

-flight to Thailand   DENIED

-more drinks ACCEPTED

-back massages KEEP AWAY FROM ME

Ways the situation has been turned around on me:

1.    "She's crazy". Well duh, have you met me?  But I am only crazy when it comes to certain things.  Like Target, my love of fall fairs, finding the perfect face wash, and my search for grown up mittens on string. 

2.    "I didn't mean it in that way" Oh sorry, right, I am blonde, I am not supposed to understand or see subtle pick ups.  It's probably because I am crazy.  Or dumb.  I'll play the dumb blonde card just for you.

3.    "I had too much to drink." Did I buy you those drinks? Maybe.  Did you still make choices?  Yes.  YOU made choices, you there, in the relationship.

4.    "She's a shiksa."  Stop.  I don't think that is possible.

5.    "I thought she was you" Oh, you're dating Ashley? My bad! I am Mary Kate.  Totally understandable.  Walk away.

Results:

1.     Friends being punched in the face over lies

2.     Free pizza

3.     Girlfriends pretending to be oblivious

4.     Writing material

Why can't we live from day to day?  Roll with the punches?  Because we are obsessed with power, with control, with perfection. 

Playing games is fun.  Things go from, as Drake may say, "0 to 100" real quick, and who doesn't love speed?  But games get old, and convoluted, and boring.  Except for Cluedo, that game is the boss forever.

(Best game adaptation EVER).

The other reason I was inspired to write this is because this past week, a boy who is self described as an asshole decided to finally be honest.  It was shocking.  Someone being honest about their status, not even honest, up front.  The best part?  He was just telling me that he may or may not have feelings for another girl as well, and needed to think about things.  No sir, asshole I think not.  Why?  Let's go over the facts one more time.  

19 of them to be precise:

1. You do not live with your girlfriend and lie about where you go in the evenings.

2. You are not engaged to be married while making me fall in love with you, having me think you're single.

3. You are not seeking me out while your girlfriend is out of the country

4. You aren't texting me while your girlfriend is passed out next to you on new years eve.

5. You aren't avoiding me in the library as you walk with your girlfriend because you asked me for my number last Thursday.

6. Offering to let me stay over because your girlfriend wouldn't mind at all, just don't tell her.

7. Offering me free pizza while inebriated, resulting in your girlfriend throwing her pizza in your face.

8. Storing my name under a fake name in your phone so your girlfriend won't find out.

9. Sneaking away to call me so your friends wont find out and tell your girlfriend.

10. You are not confessing your love to me while the snow falls and your girlfriend makes you cookies.

11. You are not in France offering me flights to Spain while your girlfriend cant understand English.

12. You're not telling me how nice my ass is while your fiancé is back in Canada.

13. You are not asking me to dance to Akon while your girlfriend is home sick.

14. You are not calling me at 1:30 in the morning while your new girlfriend is god knows where.

15. You are not leading me on while we drink beers and make eyes.

16. You are not in a relationship implying that if you weren't, you would like me to be your muse.

17. You are not in an orchard pretending your girlfriend isn't waiting at the airport.

18. Wearing a shirt with lipstick stains on it while I am your girlfriend.

19.  Being an asshole.

Well, there you go.  A few lists to think about.

This morning I woke up feeling a bit less pessimistic about the male race.  I woke up with a smile on my face and a memory in my heart.  I woke up a bit more of a  positive outlook.  So here is another list.  A list of all the things that have happened in my life with the opposite sex that have made me incredibly happy.  This list is dedicated to the guy who once told me "love isn't like the movies."  My friend, wait until you see your chapter in the cookbook, it's quite short, and not too sweet.

1.  Rain kisses

2.  My favourite cookies left on my doorstep, and brought to work.

3.  Surprise tickets to my favourite band.

4.  Coffee roasts being named after me.

5.  A signed first edition of my favourite book as a Christmas gift.

6.  Night hikes with wine, chocolate, and bunnies.

7.  Love notes.

8.  Songs.

9.  Sushi cakes for birthdays.

10. Back tickles from nowhere. 

11. Making pasta late at night.

12. Using sparklers to spell our names while the snow falls.

They may not be your typical movie moments, but these are the moments that leave me feeling that big love movie feeling.  They restore my faith in men, even the almost 80% who I have called assholes.  I am not sure how to finish this, but I guess that's the beauty of blog posts, they don't have to be as crisp as the book.  SO in conclusion:

Boys, don't be dumb.  Remember what your mother taught you.

Girls, don't be complacent.  Remember what your father taught you.

Everyone, be nice to yourselves and others.

And in the words of Kanye:

"I hate when I'm on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle."

xo 

-B

#WCW October 22nd

(The turkey, brie, cranberry, and gravy sandwich I made for my #wcw)

Listening:  New Ellie Goulding and Calvin Harris!  I went for a run this morning and oh boy, nothing like an up and coming top forty hit to get you moving, but also allow for you to question your life choices.

Eating:  Coffee and a breakfast panini.  I left my panini press in an exes storage locker, so I am using a waffle iron at the moment.  Ayo!

Looking:  Oh, there is a storm brewing, leaves are blowing everywhere, cyclists are looking a little frazzled.

Welcome back to Wednesday!  The favourite day of the week for some, for many others, not at all.  I would say most are probably indifferent.  I am very excited this week because last week, I was able to  put in to place a photo vision that I have had for quite some time:  A beautiful woman taking a bath in a tub full of cereal.  The stuff Seinfeld dreams about it.  

Lucky enough for me, I have just the friend willing to work with my hair brained ideas on very short notice.  She can only be described as intoxicating, and when we go out together, there's trouble.  Not real trouble, but we both have the mindsets of men when it gets down to it.  We get what we want, and have no apologies.  

It is a problem still these days, women are still given a structure by society, an expectation to act a certain way.  To be coy, but not too coy. Flirty, but not too flirty.  Bashful, but not too bashful.  Basically, we are expected to be all the Seven Dwarves all wrapped into one.  

The game of dog chasing cat still exists.  Cat chasing dog is deemed as inappropriate, desperate, and needy.  Well I am here to say with all capitals:  FUCK THAT.

Most of you reading this are probably somewhere in your mid twenties to thirties, you're in your golden years.  These are the days where your responsibilities are what your choose them to be.  If you want to change where you live or run a marathon, you can, your knees are still good enough for that.

If you want to join a circus, or catch a flight to Hong Kong at a moments notice, you go Glen Coco, I'll watch your cat.  Why be tied down to the constraints that other people place upon us?  We are a completely different generation than previous eras, why conform to the ideals of the past?

On that note, I watched Gone Girl last night and I am never getting married.

Also, come on Ben Affleck, we didn't see that coming?  Come on man, think with your brain.  

So let's get into it, woman crush Wednesday!  No Ben Affleck, not you.

S A R A H

I met Sarah more than a few years back at the point in my life where I had just gone through my first breakup.  I was an adult, I was single, and I was ready to dance.  We immediately hit it off with our love of white wine and all things beautiful.  She reminded me that being a strong and independent woman was actually the most attractive quality in a woman, as opposed to being able to pull off bangs, being able to ride a bicycle that didn't have brakes, or differentiating between coffee roasts.

She has one of the most wonderful Scottish accents out there, which is able to become Irish at the drop of a hat, and is actually able to strike up a conversation with anyone.  Besides that, she is an architect who is updating this East German looking community into something to be proud of, one building at a time.  No offence to East Germany, you're lovely in the right lighting.

Recently, and ironically enough, she has been by my side through my second major break up.  We have very similar stories right now when it comes to our non-traditional sense of what a relationship with someone else looks like.  We've grown to appreciate red wine, but our young white wine loving selves are still always down for a new adventure.  We are unforgiving when we go out, men do not control us, nor do we control them, but having wicked dance moves and a menacing glare doesn't hurt.

She has such a zest for life, would do anything for you, and more than anything has taught me there are no such things as regrets, because quite frankly, there isn't enough time in this life to have them.

(Disclaimer: this interview, as you may have already guessed, happens over a couple of bottles of wine.)

(If you haven't tried this wine, please do.  It's fantastic).

(Disclaimer #2: We opened with a rousing sing song of the Scottish National Anthem)

(Disclaimer #3: Our conversation occurred for hours, a lot of it can not be typed out here.  If you want to hear the real story, come buy us a glass of wine at Docs on Thursday, and maybe, MAYBE, we'll fill you in).

Okay!  Ready?  Why did you decide to become an Architect?

Is this real?  Shouldn't we be talking about sex?  Or sandwiches?  For Fuck sakes!

I am opening!  We're getting to know you a little bit about you!

Okay, well I didn't plan on going into it actually.  I wanted to be in Fashion design. But later on in life, when you get older, which is more likely that you are going to get a job in?  I tried to be sensible.  I also love the design aspect of it.

According to some firemen, you're the best dressed in Kelowna?

Yes.  According to some.  Mostly those that I take swimming in waterfalls after a night out.

Swimming in waterfalls?!  

Well, fountains.  You can always tell a lot about a man if he is willing to go swimming in a fountain with you.  

How would you describe your sexuality?

I am straight.  I am not saying I haven't kissed a female before, but yeah, straight.

More wine?

Yes.

How would you describe your relationship status?

Oh, single.  Definitely single.  Sarah is happy being single, let's put it that way.  Too much fun in life. You get the pick of a bundle.  You don't even need to have sex with them, it's just nice to have companionship sometimes you know?  Being doted on doesn't hurt either.  And men are easy to have conversations with.  Wham bam thank you ma'am!

I love it.  I love how you're the one doing the picking up.

Oh yes, men picking you up at the bar is too easy, and can come off as creepy quite quickly.  I mean if it's done right it can be quite flattering, but most men haven't figured it out.

What's your favourite movie?

American Gangster sticks out in my head.  Denzel Washington is a babe, beauty, and man of men.

What's your favourite sandwich?

Honestly, I don't have one.  As long as it involves meat and cheese, I am down.  Salami is always a good idea.

I hear what you're saying, some of my happiest memories come from meat in tube form.

(More wine is poured).

I hear you're Dominos #1 customer?*

Well, I do have an app and a direct line.  I am a pizza girl through and through.

Speaking of pizza, what's your favourite sex position?

Oh dear, I really hope the aunties aren't reading this.  Okay, well I would say what makes me feel the absolute best through and through, is when my legs would be behind my head.  You have to be quite bendy for that, and everyone's different but there we go.  Oh I went there didn't I!

That's fine, you're enlightening people!  Making women feel comfortable talking about what they want! On that same note, do you think it is the size of a man's package, or how he uses it during sex that makes the difference?

It's the motion in the ocean!  Although, I don't want to refer to anything as an ocean.

How has the reaction been to your fruit loop photoshoot?

Well, I keep getting texts from Scotland asking if I am alright.  But that was such a fun night!  

What would be your ideal date?

Something that I don't expect.  Don't take me to fucking Pizza Hut.  Dinner at a Winery is always nice.  If he does something crazy that I don't expect, I love it.  It's the same with going out, going with the flow is always better than having assumptions to how the night will end up going.

What's your favourite place to do the dirty?

I don't have a favourite place, I think it's more about the moment.  There is something wonderful about unplanned moments; beauty in the unexpected.

Well put!  Shall we go dancing?

Oh, we should always go dancing.


*We are looking for different late night pizza establishments that deliver if anyone has suggestions.