Listening: Fleetwood Mac Rumours album, because I was raised properly
Eating: Wine. Salami. Wine and Salmi.
Looking: At a boat trying to dock before the rain comes (remind me to use this as a metaphor for something later)
First of all, happy Father's Day to all you Dads out there! Secondly, happy "you're not a father day!" to all you other guys out there! As a representative of the ladies, not all of them but some, you're welcome for taking precautions and then extra precautions for allowing you not to be a baby daddy. You're VERY welcome.
Remember, being responsible about contraception allows for you to be irresponsible with the rest of your life. Go you!
(Yes).
So this week I've been working on writing out each story for each sandwich. It's hard to schedule writing and actually make it funny, accurate, relatable, readable, etc. So I've been doing a lot of editing, I am sure I'll be doing more. By the end of this I'll probably throw my computer against a wall, but that's fine, technology ages, walls don't (DO NOT quote me on that, I have some professors who would be VERY upset that I said that about walls).
It's strange digging into memories trying to think of funny moments, more serious times, and little things that really didn't matter at the time, but really have made me who I am now. It's kind of like a weird type of therapy. A lot of the stories I am just laughing through as I write them, which I think is best.
(My reaction to most memories of my younger self).
So, this week, being a week where I've dug into the dredges of my memory, I've decided to talk about how the text is the closest modern day equivalent to the love letter. Oh yeah, getting classy this week. I am a sappy lady sometimes, not often, only sometimes, and I have all the letters I've ever gotten in a heart shaped box at my parents house (somehow, some condoms ended up in there which I think is hilarious because I didn't put them there.)
The first flirtatious letter I got came in my 11th grade at high school, on my doorstop, Christmas morning, with a bundle of my favourite cookies; white chocolate chip macadamia nut (I am a walking stereotype, I know). This is the standard to which I have held all boys to ever since.
Deep down, no matter what they say, all girls AND boys love (and deserve) a little romance. We want to feel special, we want the mother fu**ing flowers, picnics, and some gad damn poetry dedications. Maybe some cheese plates thrown in there somewhere.
Is it a lot of work? Yes. Do you have to do it all the time? No. Truly, the little things are the things that matter, but once in a while, get your Aladdin on, and take us on a magic carpet ride.
(Preach!)
This brings me to my next point: Texting. The modern day love letter arena, in some ways new and improved, and in others, meh.
(Honesty is the best policy)
First of all, with all writing, no matter with pen or keyboard, it is important to remember we are all able to be versions of ourselves that we perhaps couldn't actually be in front of someone else. We can put our best face on, control the conversation, and take time to think about what we're going to, or not going to say. There can be pause for dramatic effect, emojis to really let it all out, or links to pictures of puppies to really pull at one another's heart strings.
(Michael Scott, my main GIF man)
My rule is for anything that is being said via text, or on the internet for that matter, "if you couldn't say it to someone's face, don't say it." But with texting, it's hard. So here are some tips on how to come across as a real human via your handheld mobile device:
1. Don't be an asshole. Be a gentleman/gentlewoman. If you're angry, or want to have a serious discussion, pick up the phone, get your dukes out; lay it down face to face.
2. Sarcasm is hard. Unless you really know the other person's sense of humour and vice versa, maybe save it until you get to know them a bit better. Or, on the other hand, test the waters and see what happens.
3. Include incredibly honest messages out of the blue. Out of the blue is always nice, unless you're speaking in on more "war" like terms, Austria knows what I mean. And if the other person doesn't think it's nice, tell them to go down the freakin' yellow brick road and get a heart transplant.
4. If you said it when you were drunk, own up to it when you're sober. Don't be a baby. Either make light of the situation, or go balls deep into your emotions. Because really, you never do know, and yolo and stuff.
5. If someone doesn't want to give you their number, or communicate with you, don't push it. Let's all be nice here, there are more fish in the sea, no need to be "stalky."
(Don't send anything that you're not comfortable with)
Let's go a bit deeper…
Sexting.
Yeah, it's a thing now. I think for people who are good and comfortable with dirty talking to their partner, sexting can be a hoot, and can really make your date later that night a lot of fun. Pretend you're soundtrack is Nina Simone's Feeling Good while writing these bad boys; own it. Be bold. Be confident. Test those waters. I am going to be writing more specifically on dirty talk at a later date, but essentially, have a glass of wine and give'er. Maybe put an accent on when you do it, I don't know. Maybe a Valley Girl accent, maybe a Cockney accent, maybe a Newfoundland accent. If Pretty Woman taught us anything, it was that it's better to be too outrageous than under. Play around.
Key point: Make sure you trust the recipient. Don't be a stupid person.
Saying that...
If you're sending nude photos, make sure you're sure you're 100% okay with that, and then maybe don't include your face in them at first. I am personally not a fan of the "dick pics," but if you feel that's something that people will enjoy, go get em' tiger! Have fun with them! Be coy, don't be scientific. That's not a game that is fun. That's like the math flashcard type of "game" fun. Find the right lighting, get some lipstick on, and get real comfortable with yourself. But remember, once it's out there, it's out there.
Meat time! This week I decided to test out a variety of salamis for sandwiches, hard work, I know, but someone has to do it.
I tested out 4 Salamis, and to mix things up I threw some pastrami in.
Spicy Mortadella
This guy was delicious (I am going to say that about all of them, so get used to it). It almost has a creamy texture when you eat it, and leaves a bit of a silky feeling in your mouth due to its higher fat content. I prefer this guy when it is thinly sliced. It's good on its own for a simple sandwich, but really good paired with a salami with a higher meat content. Think of it as the Bono or Matt Damon of the Bologna world. Talented and delicious.
Soppressata
This is my favourite type of pepperoni-esque salami to use on top of pizzas, and, it is also delicious slightly fried inside of sandwiches. It is a bit of a drier cure, so it has a nice "chew" and is able to hold its own inside a sandwich. It is oily in all the best ways and has a nice peppery flavour to go with it. It's hung for about 12 weeks usually, and apparently you can make it at home, I guess if Beyonce has the same number of hours in the day, then it's a possibility.
Spicy Capicola
Nice large veins of fat in this guy which add a creamy texture to go along with the surrounding lean meat. The meat used for it comes from the area on the neck, which I like to know because I like to know where exactly my meat comes from. It almost has a slightly gamey flavour, and goes very well with a nice glass of Syrah. It can hold its own in a sandwich as well, although you may be craving a bit more of an oily texture as well.
(Right: Genoa Left: Capicola)
Genoa
This is probably what most of you think of when you think salami. It's almost sweet compared to all the others, but does have a slight peppery flavour. It is a good mix of fat and meat, and has an oily consistency without being overwhelming. It's a beginner salami, but an old favourite none the less. It's also almost always on sale, bonus!
And just for fun…
Pastrami!
This was purchased by suggestion of the deli attendant, and let me tell you what, I haven't been having sex lately, and this made me a VERY happy girl. There are just some foods that really are just perfection, and this, this is it. It's from the Mission Meat shop on Lakeshore Rd. if you're ever in Kelowna, and it is the best pastrami I have ever had. It is like the red velvet cake of the pastrami world. It has a very delicate beef flavour, with no lingering aftertaste. Amazing.
Okay, I have to go watch Game of Thrones now before everyone on the internet tells me what happened.
Have good weeks, and remember, text like a hero.
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